Tsunami.

Feeling like I’m drowning underwater. Silence is deafening and brings anxiety with it. Brain feels like mashed potatoes. Exhaustion so deep that I cannot function like a normal human being. Being awake for 48 of the last 55 hours. And I didn’t get those seven hours consecutively. My body is shaky, and my eyes are struggling to open back up after I blink. I have a to do list a mile long, and that is just my graduate school to do list.

My house? Not clean at all. My dog? Probably thinks his mom has neglected him. My husband? I’m pretty sure he is wondering how I am still functioning or even alive at this point. My mental health? Worse than crap, that’s the best and nicest way to say it.

When my levels start creeping up, I start getting more anxious. My body is just completely out of balance, and this is normally my first clue that something is going on. This anxiety? Well, it is out of control. I honestly do not know how to put it into words for yall how I feel lately. Irrational beliefs and thoughts are ever-present, and when you are in that state of mind it is nearly impossible to make yourself think rationally.

The whole semester I have coasted and not thought there was a huge difference between graduate school and undergraduate. However, I am here to tell you how wrong I was. The whole time I thought I was coasting? I was learning all this new information, and now to put it all together in the form of papers, presentations, and tests is overwhelming. I’m impressed with how much I have learned, but right now I am not in a place to be able to cope with the levels of stress.

So, I am wilting. I have cried over the weirdest, silliest things. I have cried over being frustrated and angry.

I have never experienced anything like the tsunami that is my body, mind, and general well-being right now. Sickness and real life collide. 

But something I know to be true despite all of this crap? I paid for my first semester of graduate school, by myself. I managed to only miss one class the entire semester despite the craziness that is autoimmune hepatitis. I have made it six whole months living in a new city, where we only know one sweet, sweet family. (Side note: Right now, it is difficult to get out of the house with energy levels and constant sickness. I reserve all my energy for the two days a week I have to go to class, because that is a must. Eventually we will find our spot here. Yes, I am more than lonely when Kevin works. But, in my own sweet time I will find my groove here, I promise.) This city is not permanent. This city is a stepping stone.

I know I am loved. I know I am supported. I know that I get to go back home in a short amount of time. I know that my mama and sister are probably my biggest supporters and reasons I do not lose my mind (Thank you Snapchat group message). I know that Kevin takes a great amount of pressure off of me by working full time, and often overtime to make living off of one income possible.

Those are the things I know. I know that this is a phase of life. It will not last forever. That is something I can grab and hold on to. It is okay, to not be okay.

Sending all my love to yall.

Ali

P.S.
The thing I know and keep repeating? ONLY FOUR MORE DAYS UNTIL MY FIRST SEMESTER IS OVER!!!!!