Jeans.

     It’s about to get real and personal, yall. So, hang in there with me because this is just a little hard to talk about for me.

     To give yall a backstory, I have been on some form of steroids since I was diagnosed at 14. For a while it was simply prednisone. I hated prednisone, my mom and I refer to it as Satan’s medicine. The mood swings and never-ending hunger are just the beginning of the side effects that come from it. While taking prednisone, I did gain some weight, but I felt well enough to still be active, and I was able to keep my weight under control for the most part. For me, the prednisone kept me on a rollercoaster when it came to weight. So, my mom and I got jeans in several sizes, so that no matter what size I was, I always had jeans that fit. This was GREAT for my self-confidence, I knew that I would always have a pair of jeans that fit. I wouldn’t have to go through the pain and frustration of trying on all my jeans, only to have none of them zip, or even come halfway up your leg.

     Now, fast-forward. Since being at UAMS, they have switched me to the more intense version of prednisone, methylprednisolone, and crazy high doses at that. I laugh now when I remember how awful I thought prednisone was, because this stuff was times a million. Side effects for this steroid are weight gain, never-ending hunger, rashes, heartburn, nausea, vomiting, headaches, and in high doses it can make you feel a bit crazy, plus a TON more. March of 2017, they started me on the extremely high doses of the methylprednisolone, and it did help keep my liver enzymes mostly in check. However, I retained every bit of water I put into my body, AND I never felt full. Despite trying to control what I ate and when I ate and being active (at the time we were taking care of a toddler long-term, so I was always going), nothing would make the scale go lower. NOTHING! Finally, they lowered my doses, and the moon face went down a little bit, but I still could not get the scale to go much lower. I’m talking 5 pounds tops, when during this steroid dosage I put on 30 pounds.

To give yall a realistic picture (literally): This first picture was in March 2017. The second was in July 2017. The third was last weekend, September 2018. It may be difficult to tell, but yes I am bigger than I was in the July 2017 picture, but this is the only recent picture I have thanks to my inner battle with self love. 

     Within a few months of them lowering the dosage, they increased it to insane, crazy levels again. Now, I am getting to watch the scale go up every two weeks for my doctor’s appointments. I am fully aware that your weight doesn’t mean anything. But as a 23 year old, I am experiencing all the normal thoughts and inner frustrations girl’s experience as they watch their weight go up, and no amount of exercising or working out makes a difference. Last week, I switched my closet to my winter clothes. I get out the tub that has all my jeans, in all the various sizes, and sigh thinking to myself that I have no idea what size I’m wearing now. I tried on every pair of jeans in that tub, do you know how many I got to zip? THREE. The frustrating part for me was that none of those jeans that zipped fit like they should, so when I wore them, I felt defeated.

     Yall, I am at a point where I am so exhausted having zero control over my body. I am eating healthy, gluten-free, and am heavy on the fruits and veggies. I have accepted that there is little else I can do to be at the point where I am comfortable for the time being. But I’m working on being able to be happy with how I look in the meantime. My mom tells me all the time that the I look the way I look because of what I am going through, that it makes me tough, resilient, and because I am so sick lately that it is okay if I slack on the working out. I only have so many spoons a day, and a lot of times doing homework and going to class just puts me in the negative spoon category. So, working out consistently, is extremely difficult for me right now. I know my mom is right, and I am working on being proud of that instead of hating the way I look because it's not the old me. But honestly, I’m not the old me anymore, so I am working really hard on being happy with everything now as it is. It is part of my journey, and while feeling good in my own skin may be a little ways away, it’s a goal to get there before a liver transplant. I want to go into that surgery being completely okay with everything that happened with my sick liver, and be completely ready for my new liver.

     So, if you are going through something similar, whether it be from medicine or just life in general, let's conquer it together! Together we can lift each other up, and learn to love our bodies no matter what they look like, because we know deep down in our hearts, that is NOT what matters! Join me in a battle against ourselves, to love ourselves no matter what. 

     I post a lot of my day to day thoughts and feeling on my instagram, so be sure to follow @choppedliver_ali to get a sense of what my life is like!